Currently standing on top of my parents leather couch with no pants on playing helicoptor with my penis. You?
Apparently, banging my bartender ex-girlfriend = free drinks again. Not every bad decision is a wrong decision.
We shared that special kind of eye contact that can only be experienced when you know one party is saying "Oh god, I fucked him in the back seat when you were in the front, didn't I."
she spent the whole night flailing her arms because "primates are the only species who can move their arms like that and we shouldn't waste it"
His band may suck, but it's not like I'm sleeping with all of them.
she told me to hold the wheel while she hung out the sunroof and cursed the old lady behind us out.
Hey man, sorry I chased you around the house with a small table.
I feel like today should be a " im going to have sex with you cause its raining and theres nothing else to do" kinda day
I had 5 long islands and 2 alien brain hemorrhages…I am entirely certain that the "power hour to finish the night" idea was just too much.
I just want to let it be known that I almost put my phone in the fridge.
No, absolutely not. If you see that cunt, throw confetti or eggs at her.
That's a pretty extreme jump from confetti to eggs
So... I woke up on a bench with a honey bun on my chest.
I'm about to turn myself in when I'm less hungover.
Sorry for trying to baptize you last night
You knew the entire thing in Latin I was so impressed
Its my nipple ring piercing anniversary. We need to celebrate.
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