Last night I had a dream we played Uno and had sex. You won at Uno, but you lost at sex.
accomplished twins. life is a go
Congratulations on your moose knuckle.
Thank you. Really, it was an honor just being nominated.
so my doctor just swabbed my throat, and he looked up in suprise when i had no gag reflex. yea, he just judged me.
turkey basters and jungle juice, is that really the whole shopping list for new year's?
All I know is she had me sitting on the kitchen floor with her little Pomeranian eating potato chips And shredded cheese. I don't even know dude. I don't even know.
He barely got in the door before she began to shriek like a banshee and punch him. His rainbow wig is still hanging from the front porch as a "warning to all other clowns".
If his smile makes you freak out and drop things imagine what his penis could do
I think I just legit sprained my wrist from holding myself up while giving a blow J. God dammit come already
Amnesty Wednesday? I'm free to do dirty things to you and you can't laugh or judge?
I have 13 missed calls from when I slept outside on some rocks
I FUCKED THE WRONG FRIEND HELP ME
Don't let me pee the bed... Its going to be one of those weekends
Stop letting me drink while doing my makeup. I think I used sharpie for eyeliner.
It started with drunk jenga and ended with me simultaneously peeing and puking on his feet in the tub while he held me up. I met Tequila. I don't like her.
Randomize
