My secretary told me she wishes she can have an affair with someone in the office (she's separated from her cheating husband)...Umm...Okaaay
Did I ever tell you that the first person i made out with cried?
with her its the mind over matter factor, i dont mind and she dont matter
Just got booted from water taxi for showing my balls to a security guard.
im getting a BJ in a closet
and a penguin just handed me a bong
I want to drop kick Stephanie Meyer
you spelled her name wrong
not you too!!
coulda been worse. everyone in the drunk tank got free mcdonalds breakfast
I'm gonna vom. In the dentist chair. Who makes a dentist appt for July fucking 5th.
no, forget the keg and come see this. prego pants here is dunking chicken nuggets into pudding and crying over a cat show on animal planet.
U offered to motor boat her and it somehow turned into u two going on a sunset cruise in Newport. At 3am.
Will it be a clothes optional week when I get there? I have an amazing outfit of tattoos and toenail polish planned.
He came over to use the microwave, said he needed to heat up some urine.
Is it OK to disqualify a potential therapist if she lists 50 Shades of Gray as her favorite book? Or is that a good thing?
I'm gonna write a book. Almost Awesome: all the times I ALMOST got laid.
I'm eating ice cream out of my purse
Randomize
