I jacked off with the cucumber and then made that fatass a salad.
She's like Mona Lisa when she's intoxicated. No one understands her but they all think she's marvelous
So Ive been fucking her for the past couple months and i just found our that my grandfather and her grandmother were fuck buddies for a while. I feel like this is a new awesome family tradition that skips a generation.
Is there a nice way to say "I like you, but I hate your dick?"
A few things for you to consider: 1. Drunk enough that I'm looking up the dictionary definition of Wish. 2. Dictionary.com has new features. 3. Windows is offering me 500 business cards for 5 bucks. 4. I've always wanted a card that says I'm a ninja
Hey man your outta milk
How the hell do you keep getting in my apartment?!
did you seriously make the punch out of vodka and food coloring
The good news is that I can 100% reassure you that you did not get knocked up by some creepy Italian dude named Sal Manella last night.
The bad news is that you will never know the name of the guy who may have gotten you pregnant last night because he clearly gave you a fake name, sweetie.
Will it be a clothes optional week when I get there? I have an amazing outfit of tattoos and toenail polish planned.
Apparently at 2 AM I decided to let the world know about my newfound love for elephants
So, settle a debate for my housemates. Have you measured your dick. And how long. Results Will not be disclosed
is it too soon to tell him I'm available anytime for Christmas themed pity sex and I'll even wear a Santa hat?
I left the office with a vacuum, 2 condoms and 300 dollars cash money. Tell me I don't have the most versatile job on the planet.
Not only do I have a well-defined bite mark on my arm, but I also have a perfectly clear bruise of a handprint wrapped around my arm like a tribal tattoo. Thoughts on how that happened?
im about to go through the checkout with 3 flasks and a wedding card. let the judgement begin!
update: cashier guessed cash bar before i could say anything. completely bypassed "dry" and knew cash bar right away. i love this state.
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