I swear god or herbie drove my car home
You yelled "GET TO DA CHOPPA" and burst through her screen door and disappeared into the night. With the goose.
I am sitting on the couch "eating" a frozen big bucket margarita with a spoon.
She is high at the bar - she thinks the bottle of frangelico is aunt jemima telling her to stop doing drugs.
Listen, you need to start thinking with your vagina and not with your heart... That emotional shit is for your 30s.
One good thing about being a mom now, I can tell which guys I'm dating were breastfed and which weren't... By the way they latch on to my breast during sex! Kinda kills the mood.
Went into Walmart to get a pregnancy test. Came out with a beta fish and chocolate.
Where did you go?
I'm not really sure. They have flavored vodka. I like it and I'm never leaving. Ever.
Ones vagina should not have the same slogan as a can of Pringles.
I know I come to this conclusion on a fairly regular basis but I really do need a babysitter
I was so fucked up last night that I peed on his FATHER'S BED and fell asleep there. and yes. his father was asleep in the bed
No one should have to go to work between Christmas and New Years, but here I am twirling in my office chair and putting Jack in my coffee like I’m back in college studying for finals.
My Mormon mother just found a butt-plug in our AirBnB closet.
In the words of Disney’s Jafar, “desperate times call for desperate measures.”
dont know what thebfuxk is in rhat shit, but dont lemme have antmore
Randomize
