I wish I could punch you in the face.
Say something about gay babies.
would you consider him our boss?
technically yes
then technically i slept with our boss
i just fucked the bartender on my cruise to get free alcohol. have things gone too far?
I woke up to a text that said "You're a fucking asshole" Why is she so pissed at me?
Im guessing it has something to do with running up to her boyfriend screaming "THIS IS SPARTA" and kicking him in the balls.
Is that considered a cock block?
I envy you so much. I get girls who pee on my floor and you get girls who leave in the middle of the night
my mom just asked me why she found a half-eaten burrito in the hamper
What are the signs of a concussion? Please don't freak out.
Maybe he meant to say like I love fucking you? But just forgot the fucking part.. That's what I'm telling myself.
My teacher just let our class out 30 minutes early, its a 50 minute class. He said the only thing we had to do was get fucked up tonight and have stories about it on Monday.
Were you drinking last night?
Because typically I don't associate the phrase 'Go sleepy time' with sobriety.
Lets get drunk and then you just wraps me into a present because that sounds like fun after the past 3 glasses of wine I drank
I know you're on a date and I should leave you alone but about twenty minutes ago I realized I haven't been spanked in years so if you're still looking for a birthday present, you know, consider it.
I don't want to just break his heart, I want to dip it in liquid nitrogen and then smash it until it's powder and snort the powder
He gave us beer and shots and made us pizza in his brick oven before firing a handgun into the air to signal it was time to give us a ride in his inflatable raft to the bars.
He's like a mythological figure
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