On blowjobs: "If you decide to go there, you finish the job. No complaining." I don't care if it sounds like she's talking about Iraq, I'm in love.
At the doctor. They're doing a flu test now. He was like "where do you think you got this?" I said "bachelor party. Strippers." he goes "okaaaay I'll put 'other'."
i just entered cocaine into my calorie counter.
how do you say "fuck me and leave bruises" in italian?
You were competing with my dog to see who had the stronger bark....
According to the bell hop, we stumbled in about 4 and then cannon balled into the pool.
Weekend has begun hello red wine at 10am on a Wednesday
Blood. All over. Pre coke adventure needs to slow down unless I'm involved
It's like a party bus, but there's a glass, airtight wall separating the driver from the passengers, and once everyone's on, they pump vaporized THC into the cabin.
Yeah, clearly. And then we can float around my room on Christmas themed inner tubes. And drink, I guess.
Ugh why does it have to be margarita Monday. Why can't it be pants off dance off beer pong but with jager Monday.
I will kill you in such a brutal way if you ever de-pants me again on the dance floor it will make the stock market ticker
had a dream you helped me fill my shoes with yogurt. we were even like "why didn't we think of this before?!" like it was just so obvious
that sounds like something we'd do... we're onto something here
I definitely fucked a Trump supporter last night but I wouldn't let him fully admit it because then I would've had to leave and his cock and abs were too perfect
You know what i hate? I hate when the ppl you drunkenly made out with actually want to talk to you sober. It just doesn't work that way sir.
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