Last night was an abortion. I might need a publicist.
let's bang
You're in my phone as 'Weird Bus Guy' so I think my answer's no.
She's in the bathroom crying cuz she can't get the condom out of her giner. Do you have tongs?
Why is there a shirtless guy in Walgreens and why is he probably looking for the same thing I am?
Chelsea handler, $19 million - Forbes women top 100. Seriously she shaped her career around her love of vodka. HERO.
The entire time I'm blowing him she's in the back seat lecturing me on the reasons why you're not suppose to do that while they're driving...
he knocked a glass of water onto my bed and then said that he should get to sleep on the dry side because he was "a guest"
Did he think I was flirting with him when I ordered a hot dog bc no
Go to a building you've never been before and take a shit. It's marvelous
I've made a single handle of rum last like three weeks and my mom hasn't even acknowledged it.
This is why you are going on a date. To see if he is fun or if we need to shank him in the parking lot.
He's going to wonder why I have burn marks on my asshole
I didn't have time to wash my hair yesterday. Ended up spraying some Febreeze on it.
someone at the bars was yelling at the bouncer to let him in because he "just passed through the 7 levels of the candy cane forrest" soulmate?
go meet him and give him your number.
He woke me with blue berry pancakes and a blow job. He's a keeper.
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