Dude I just picked up a married chick while her husband was playing pool.
What do you mean you picked her up? How are you gonna leave the bar?
I didn't. I fucked her in the men's room. Come get me before he finds out.
So he flipped me over and suddenly went limp then told me he was thinking about his ex.
so you punched his junk, right?
I hate when people uglier than me have girlfriends
you came in and threw goldfish on our blue carpet and screamed SWIM BITCHES and then made me drink a best friends potion with you
What's a nice way of saying "You fell asleep, and I got bored, so I made out with your brother"?
Let's just say my vagina is not superimpressed with the superintendent of schools.
I wanted to make fun of someone saying that to an untrained ear, skrillex is blah blah blah. But it was too soon after they said it. And now I can't find it. These are real problems.
My synapses wont fire in a pattern that will process those facts
Because everytime she talks to you she goes in her room and plays Come Sail Away on repeat. Can't take this shit anymore Jake
I had a flashback of using my sock as a napkin after we got taco bell
Just got thrown out of the club for making condom water balloons. I'm not ashamed.
Next time you decide to post pictures of yourself in your underwear on facebook, please don't tag me as your bulge.. My mom spent 10 minutes looking for me in that picture. I had to tell her I was hiding.
So a bottle of lube exploded all over my softball bag and Nike shirt.
Why did I wake up with a half-eaten burrito and a vaccuum cleaner in my bed? ...on top of me.
I don’t understand his energy
What? Nice? Lmao
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