Just found a copy of intimate toy times in my mom's trash can...
nothing i could have done in life could have prepared me for walking in on her SHITTING on my rug.
Needless to say there is no second date for this girl.
yet...
Woke up with a treasure map of my room stuck with sticky tape to my ceiling. followed it and found $75 with a note saying; "eat this if we're invaded"... I'm never getting stoned again
Fucking Canada. At least when they wake up tomorrow they're still in Canada
My sister came home, pulled two nalgene bottles of jaeger-bomb out of the fridge, changed out her 3 inch heels for 6 inch heels and left in under 3 minutes. I've never been more proud of her.
she drove 3 hrs one way just to sleep with me. I felt bad complaining about paying for condoms.
His IQ is so high, I swear I started ovulating when he told me the number.
I'm gonna be a few minutes late, some asshole just fell off the ferry so we had to stop.
I feel like calling off tonight. Is a strong desire for masturbation a valid reason?
in the middle of getting head my cat meowed. she looked up , meowed back, and then continued giving me head.
Just got your message from Saturday. Shove all the kittens down your pants? Really?
I was emotionally compromised.
I shall welcome him into my body with an open liver and completely lay down all chance of resistance. Sweet Zeus, please take me to Mt. Olympus and share all that is divine. I promise, the secrets will be safe with me
Passing out drunk in my therapists lobby may not be the best way to confirm my "stability"
You yelled "Everybody!!! Round of applause to Jill for not doing anal!!" Right in front of him.
This band has the most fuckable violin player I have ever seen.
Randomize
