Theres a note on my antibiotics that says "Do not chew or crush. Swallow whole." I think that would be a good tattoo for just above my penis.
i just woke up in the woods behind my house in handcuffs and a dan marino jersey ive never seen before
My mom just told me that the key to a successful marriage is never seeing your partner take a shit.
Last night I saw a drag queen take a shot of Red Hot that was soaked into a tampon. I fucking love my life!
It's like the water temple from zelda. but with more tits.
I mean I like that it's warm enough to open the windows, but it annoys me that I can't walk around naked anymore.
Just watched porn on a 60 inch plasma screen TV... So that's where the clitoris is
Don't worry about it. Anal sex isn't always sunshine and wildflowers.
I feel like he's only with me because no one else would blow him.
Also, am I the only one who noticed he didn't fuck you until after you were technically a cripple? Or am I reading into this too much? Congrats on that btw
You might have crossed the line by jerking off while she was in the bathroom taking a prego test. Just saying
I'm to the point that I've had the revelation that its physically impossible for my arms to be attached to my torso.
i just had to pick up my 18 year old cousin from the police station for hosting a party, and i had to do this stoned wow
Turns out he's just a recently divorced IT guy. Not a wizard.
Thank you for coming with me today. I find it appropriate that we celebrated my negative pregnancy test with slurpees and donuts.
Randomize
