You know you're true friends when you can talk about what sexual diseases you may or may not have.
Helping a hot freshman girl move in = 2 hours of my life One bottle of cheap vodkas = $10 Watching her do the walk a shame on her first morning away from home = Priceless
So I'm driving and this guy next to me at the stop light is reving his engine and honking at me. Motherfucker thinks that's because I'm asian and drive a honda I'm automatically going to race him
Hookers taste better with whip cream
Maybe we ought to get some pennicillin too
Fair enough
I made a game called come to class high and eat nachos.
I just reenacted what a cuntadactyl would act like by putting straws in my mouth as teeth and roaring, Plz come get me.
he called me from germany to tell me about all the gummy bears he bought...i'm doubting his sobriety
I wouldn't have puked last night if I didn't inhale straight pepper from you shattering the pepper shaker on the wall.
drinking from the bathtub cause I'm too lazy to walk downstairs and too thirsty to care
Cute boy and deffffff wearing a HS shirt. I am getting too old to be inaccurate.
She told me her last name, which as you know is my #1 turn-off.
If we tried baptizing you I feel the water would start boiling around you.
did i just see you in the movie theater carrying a margarita into Frozen?
All the 6 year olds are jealous of my alcohol
YOU LEFT MY FUCKING BRA OUTSIDE OF YOUR HOUSE AND NEVER TEXTED ME.
I told him to take the baby so I could work out. My workout consisted of getting high and masturbating
Randomize
