so Mike and I made a deal. we'd do anal if he would help me pick out carpet tomorrow.
What...you let him do that?
It wasnt that bad. the two minutes it took is nothing compared to the 10 hr day I have planned for him tomorrow
I think my tv knows when im high and tells taco bell
Just got a script for 120 vicodin with 6 refills. I feel like michael jackson.
I could make treat bags
I want a vodka facial right about now. I'm talking about straight vodka bukkake
Either I'm losing my touch or ED is running rampant in 20 something men now
oh yea it is. i was not expecting to look at a snowbank and just see flying mushrooms
Go big or go home. Or get a live in house boy you met 7 years ago and feel like you have unfullfilled potential. You know, the usual
I drank toilet water last night, I can't answer you because my phone is in rice.
alicia just called me and talked to me in "the eternal language of the dinosaurs" and then kind of roared and gurgled. what kind of 4th of july are you guys having?
the boozy kind. is there any other?
God if that man would just have sex with me every time I got mad life would be so much easier...
You dropped my mother on the dance floor. She has a concussion. You didn't apologize. Don't speak to me for a while.
He texted his hospitalized grandma while inside me, so really a perfect gentleman.
are you fucking roseanne barr in there?
I just poured two shots of fireball into my Rapunzel mug I love finals.
Well, thanks for not letting me sleep with anyone, but no thanks for telling everyone I have the clap.
Randomize
