Microwaved placenta is very unpleasant.
So I finally got the Patron washed off my boobs.
Did you ever notice the eye of Sauron looks like Lindsay Lohan's vagina?
His sex texting was like a step by step guide to the most boring sex ever...
these 2 russian guys walked past me and i got freaked out because i thought call of duty got real
Just saw a drunk guy marching down the strip with a garden rake. I feel compelled to follw him
I wore my underwear in the shower just in case i passed out and you had to come in and get me
I'm making a contract of things you're not allowed to put in my ass
When he went down on me, I saw his bald spot... It completely ruined the experience
The liquor store manager told us to drink responsible as we checked out and we laughed to his face. Like we're buying karkov at noon, responsibility is out of the question
Should i put up a tasteful banner for your party that says last chance to sleep with maya?
He made me twerk for scrambled eggs... I regret nothing
Trying to take a nap and my brain decides to play "lets have flashbacks every time you blew it with a chick in college". It's a montage of stupidity and youthful inexperience. I don't know whether to laugh or cry.
I think I'm just gonna exercise my lungs and fingers. With bong hits and crochet. BECAUSE I AM A REAPONSIBLE ADULT DAMMIT!!
Is it bad that we left the kid passed out on the bus? I think his name was texas. I was too drunk to be questioning this.
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