and I'm going to name my autobiography "blow jobs with enthusiasm are the best"
I'm naming my autobiography "Reasons Not to Date Girls From Texas."
I just woke up to people screaming "funnel" in my kitchen....
Happy St. Patrick's Day.
I was preparing to do my walk of shame shirtless, but then I found my sweater, wallet and keys neatly piled under a tree in the park.
I threw up sweet potatoes. Worst thing to throw up ever. They came back mashed.
well the night couldnt get much worse after she peed all over herself and the sidewalk.
And you will no longer be getting a thank you note from my vagina
Dude, nobody just eats a banana these days. This chick wanted it. She wanted to get down with Charlie Brown.
We need to talk about the sailor moon porn. Do what you want in your room, but I don't want to come home to you cranking it on the couch to that.
Eh maybe I should give her a chance. Let's see where making a porno takes the friendship
For context, I was hiding under the pong table mooing at everyone by that point.
He bought the 12 pack of condoms. I take that as a sign of serious commitment.
It's official: I now only own one pair of jeans that I haven't blown the crotch out of. It might be time to put a stop to red wine Wednesdays.
You mean, in addition to red wine every-fucking-days?
I realize my mistake but don't you dare school me in cock, young man
I just realized that Margarita Wednesdays are so much better now when followed by No Work Thursdays.
just had a woman ask me to donate my eggs so that her baby could look like me. don't know whether to get a restraining order or be flattered. thoughts?
Randomize
