Do you know my vagina holds 14 pints of water?
I just saw a homeless guy on rollerblades; I don't think I've ever felt sorrier for someone in my life.
I can handle NPR. I speak hippie. I took it in college.
She made me role-play everything from an older prof to a in-patient in need of a medical exam. Yay for cocaine.
I love you. I'm too high for this. Find a way. Make it happen. Live strong.
the last thing i remember is yelling at the cab driver that i'm really good at drive by vomitting.
Someone downtown drunkenly stole the antenna off of her car... while she was driving.
Real reason I can't work: it's Tuesday. I get stoned and watch buck Rodgers in Tuesday.
Jesus Christ you're perfect.
I walked in, the bartender looked at me, grabbed 3 shot glasses and a pounder. Lined them up on the bar then made a line with salt on the other side of them and said I wasn't allowed to cross it.
If we're single and alone together, the fuck angels shall sing upon our nude bodies.
He doesn't drink liquor so instead of doing a body shot off my belly button he dropped water in there and sipped it out with a straw. Look at my face: =|
It's like "hey I give your roommate blowjobs twice a week, want to connect on LinkedIn?"
It was like being run over by an orgasm freight train.
I nicknamed her "Jackhammer" for the way she gave me a handjob. My balls were in constant pain
Literally breaking up to my boyfriend while jamming out to Feraglicious
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