You picked the wrong day to call in sick. She's wearing the librarian glasses today.
I just stuffed five dollars in my near empty box of camels to remind myself to buy more. And my mom says I don't budget my money
I woke up next to her this morning and couldn't remember her name. Luckily, she had written it on my hand so that I could add her on facebook.
There was an audience eating triscuts and bananas in the bathroom while watching him puke. It was a good birthday.
best line ever after sex today..."wow, that was a porn-star sized load"
its not that she doesnt like having sex with you, your balls just smell worst then your ass.
Just got a birthday card from Camel. How am I supposed to stop smoking when they care?
I think i can make this amish girl legitimately hot.
Oh my God, I want him to live with his face in my vagina forever.
Dude... You called me at 3am to tell me you still had your pants.
I didnt say frisky time, just alone time, to chat, or watch a show, or stare into one anothers eyes, or souls, or asses, whatever you straight people do
I need you to be best friend brutally honest about whether or not I can go into public like this.
I'm laying in bed cuddling with my teddy bear and eating waffles. I need a fucking boyfriend
Just letting you know that your little sister is now your eskimo brother. You can send a thank you edible arrangement to Tammy.
Saw my doctor at the bar. He bought me a drink. I think he was looking up my medical record on his phone because he suddenly had to go. syphilis continues to fuck with my life
Randomize
