Im in Brooklyn, he wasnt 23 or a musician pick me up
he kept bringing up different times we had sex and i wouldnt say anything back. i would never confirm nor deny the situation...like a politician ya kno
when I woke up she was standing in the living room with a bottle of scotch because she is "allergic to hangovers"
Had to have a serious talk with my liver and remind it that it is my birthday weekend and there are three more nights like last night ahead of us
And you just kept trying to fit through the dog door and not drop Jello shots.
I guess she thought her walk of shame would be more dignified if she stole my dog
I would have done it. But then again I am a starving student who can manipulate my brain into thinking my decision was somehow morally justifiable.
Men are not even allowed to look at you without a condom on.
I don't know, I kept pretending that I was riding an elephant during. It was actually really fun, but you can't tell him that!
I have a sixth sense for dads free balling in gym shorts
words I never want to hear dad say again: "Trevor you sexy man you"
Hey, I think I showed you a picture of my nephew while we were fucking last night. Sorry, I know it's weird, I just really love that kid. Again, sorry.
He's so in love with you that you could fuck a blood relative and he'd be like "I just want you to be happy"
My mom purposely got me drunk so I can stay at her house bc "we don't spend enough time together." I blacked out anyway, so we didn't spend time together regardless.
Just bought 2 liters of wine and frozen waffles for dinner. Is this 30?
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