So would u like to explain why you ate all my pickels and took my 1800?
About that, i have your 1800 on my desk with intentions of returning it but theres nothing i can do about the pickels
If he eats mayonnaise, he's not getting laid. End of story.
Rule #1. Nothing comes between you and fantasy sports. Not even a hot chick willing to give you a blow job
so i woke up this morning covered in mail. none of it is mine.
I wish sober me loved running as much as drunk me...
I just texted him to come over because I want to see if his hand fits the handprint bruise on my ass.....I feel like the cinderella of S&M
We're trying to decide between cracker barrel an the ER
Is everything ok? Last time I missed your call you were being arrested.
Everyone is drunk but me. Fantastic. Everyone is hooking up but me. Awkward.
I had a pitcher of margaritas. Now I'm in a laundry room being a 5th wheel and crying. I made myself a bed out of a pool floatie. I win.
Too much alcohol and too many lesbians. I can officially say I have regrets now. At least that's something.
We don't have paper towels so I microwaved a spinach/egg sandwich thingy wrapped in toilet paper. Toilet paper. so that's how my day started.
AND I JUST BURNT MY BACON. WTF MONDAY. SCREW YOU TOO
I think one of your friend's offered my friend chicken tenders back at his place...just FYI he should probably come up w/ another line
I'm six Popsicles away from an existential breakdown.
I was grinding on my boss last night. So Monday will be fun. That's what's going on in my life right now.
Randomize
