last night was a success...if success means i don't remember the guy's name and my panties are somewhere in the parking lot behind the bar
what part of covering your puke with shaving cream seemed like a good idea?
When you come back do you think I could print anorexic pictures of Mary-Kate?
He was supposed to take me to a nice dinner, but istead all he did was get drunk and throw lit fireworks at me.
Dude its 315 and I'm sitting here eating slices of cheese. Don't talk to me about tomorrow.
Why the fuck did you text me at 4 in the morning telling me not to have sex with the bird?
last nights episode of shot friends brought to you by polish vodka and flamingo baseball. pickles cure hangovers.
As if me making pizza in a skillet wasn't enough proof that I was in no state to be cooking, this burn blister on my hand is
Yikes. I usually have a 24-hour waiting period between sex partners. You know, like for a handgun.
Such a good question, let's ask the alcohol gods for the answer.
I just heard a 350 lb guy with a stutter describe getting blood in his eye as he was shanking his cellmate and, more generally, how to survive as a white guy in jail.\n\nYou should really consider going to some AA meetings
I told the guy that if he didn't put enough pepperoni to earn the name " pepperoni feast", that I was gonna sue him for all he had. Believe it or not, that's all I remember.
Just give me 5 advils and some sunglasses and I'll knock out on this couch no problem.
You ever have a fart follow you around?
Flirting with/getting ready to possibly sleep with a married HS classmate and getting added to a bible study group chat within minutes of each other. #Balance
Randomize
