somebody snuck up and got me drunk
you dont have to exercise, you threw up last night!
The irony of calling it Pride is that you do things that no one should be proud of.
If I had KNOWN you and mom were coming to visit, I wouldn't have passed out in the frat. This is why I hate surprises.
Apparently I spent my 300 dollar tax return by ordering ramen on amazon last night. Please tell me this will somehow pay off in the long run.
I slept with someone shorter than me. My vagina weeps.
You fool.
I literally was just rolling on the ground and said to her 'this is what dying looks like'
I need a new best friend. Someone who drinks like a fish, hooks up enough to raise eyebrows, and isn't afraid to admit that masturbation is the second best way to spend time. Someone like me! Help me put up posters.
I just got a lap dance from a sexy cop in return for giving him his sunglasses back. I think this is going to be the beginning of a really great friendship
Just smoked the bong while taking a dump. I love living by myself.
I wanted to say "you're a souless cunt" but in a nice way. So I added a smiley face.
as a side note pls kill me
Should I rub the neighbors amazon package in the dog shit they left on the front steps?
She said my penis was powerful and magnificent
Watching a guy pay his tab with a check. Jesus dude...
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