wow, i just saw a girl period all over the floor. get my shoes
A homeless man in dtwn SF was blasting lil wayne and singing at the top of his lungs. I kinda wanted to give him my life savings
Glad I put on jeans. You could measure my ass sweat with a rain guage.
So, remember how that one doctor said it was 1 in a million that I'd get pregnant...
Yeeah thank god
Well..welcome to parenting Mr. one in a million.
I remember pointing out how smooth my legs were to try to direct his attention away from my vagina.
I don't think you seem to understand this concept. WHEN A GAY GUY HANDS YOU A DAIQUIRI, YOU DRINK IT.
The owner of this phone is no longer accepting texts from liars, assholes or married men. You figure out which one applies.
Some guy just rode an office chair down my street, I hope he comes back so I can give him my number.
Yes, he did use his cock to direct traffic from my 3rd story window. That's why I love him
Yeah i just finished watching someone play ping pong with his penis it didn't fully register until after a few seconds
The nice lady at the neighborhood liquor store informs me that we have a new woman-run neighborhood sex shop. Jesus loves me and wants me to have a happy Valentine's day.
I want to see a guy holding a pizza and a bottle of scotch and a box of magnums. I'm a simple woman.
Shia just rubbed his beard the way I do all the time and maybe he's my soul sister. This live stream is life changing.
Ever since I got to LA my dream self has been having sex with way too many rabbi's.
It is NEVER not funny to me when I am sitting at a table and I've touched the dicks of every single person I'm sitting with.
Randomize
