my vagina is like the nba. its where amazing happens.
u ever jackoff with ur legs spread and pretend ur fuckin urself as a girl and get mad u'll never know what that feels like. Or to fly like a bird?
Did u absorb a fraternal twin in the womb?
A true measure of a good friend is how long she responds to her friends drunken illogical texts. Youre a champ.
i just found out the cashier has a picture of my junk in her phone.
There is a large, jolly black gentleman in the parking lot of my appartment complex yelling about 5am jelly doughnuts. I want to be where he's at.
While you were hooking up with her I pulled you off to make sure you knew what you were doing.
You said you were "testing the product for Chris."
I'm a bad man.
I used to be terrified of what was under your bed until I passed out there last night. Now it just feels like home.
When were you at my house?
Vague recollection of me ripping your shirt off at the bar... I hope I asked first, otherwise that's real rude.
I'm so confused as to where the sexual euphemisms end and the drinking starts
Shit on my own feet while puking from my hangover. Is this what 33 is supposed to be like?
I'M OFFICIATING THIS WEDDING. HOLY SHIT.
It was an interesting experience to have sex while there was a triathlon going on right outside my bedroom window because it sounded like everyone is cheering for you in bed.
How supportive!
You’re about to have a sober threesome with a rando at a Fenway bar?
I can't wait to see you again. It will be like when we first started dating- but with less clothes.
FYI there's a girl here with happy daddy written on her tits
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