She acts like you when your on meds
She acts like batman?
I just saw a girl walking home wearing a tshirt, boxers, and cowboy boots. Thanks for having the decency to drive me to my car.
what's for breakfast?
Advil and throwup
just got my tax refund and at bell. how do you say i want a grand worth of 5 layer burritos in spanish?
I just found a bagel and a condom in my coat pocket. I love blackouts
the boy next to me on the plane handed me a shot glass, then a perkaset, and told me to have a good week off..hellllo spring break.
July 5th AKA Day of regret AKA picnicing in a laundromat. Someone puked allover the comforter. Liffe of champions.
Listen, it's not like I meant to bust the window out. It just sort of happened. And I'm also sorry for stealing your dads bandanas.
My mom just drunk texted me complaining about her genitals smelling like Taco Bell. I really am her son
I don't trust a bar IN TENNESSEE that doesn't have Jack Daniels.
My feelings for him are donzo molonzo but I can't turn down a pierced penis...
He took a picture of me to show his boss why he was late...Is that a compliment or not?
Hopefully they won't bring up last year's Christmas party. I kind of predicted my great aunt's death...
ugffhh I have work in 4 hours and have recieved zero sleep, seeing that I'm trapped in the arms of a snoring bear man. can't. breathe. lost in the forestry of his chest hair.
Moms passed out wet and naked in a rocking chair again....
Randomize
