maybe all of them together would equal one normal sized dick.
So he asked me last night if I would cheer him on while he masturbated...
did the hipsters beat you up because you are more ironic than they are?
I'm passing your future prison.
That's terrible. At least give it a creative name like muff mobile.
Absolute soulmates or functional alcoholics?
Can't be the first without the last
My mom just came into the kitchen and watched me take a double shot of whiskey and chase it with a beer and said "you are my son." Proudest family moment ever
My roommate is either deadlifting a bus or having sex. I can't tell which
i just honestly didn't believe you when you said your brother was a fucking clown. ho shit you weren't kidding.
If you ever insult pizza rolls again, I will dragon kick you in the throat
You also once spent an entire hour explaining the origin of the strip steak to me.
Last time I checked he was house sitting for his ex while she was out of town with some new dude. He was crying about how the guy told him to stay out of his whiskey while he was gone. That's whipped
So when he asked me to go on a date tonight, I didn't think the words "have you tried a suppository" would be part of the evening.
Lol, yeah it'll be fun,but will it be cereal and dick pics fun?
You're a wizard. You are a master of disguise. You are beautiful. I love you.
Randomize
