My Dad named our wireless network after my dead grandma. I refuse to look up porn on my dead grandma...
did all my christmas shopping this morning at 4am drunk. never went to sleep. i was walking home drunk last night when i passed a target and saw 3 kids having a dance off. had to join. somehow they convinced me to go shoopping with them. i bought 4 disco balls and a lava lamp.
You bet me 100 dollars that the Raiders would win the super bowl this year. I have it on tape.
sex in a ball pit. and I thought ghandi did great things.
I blacked out, started puking and peed on the guy I was hooking up with. Mid hand job.
How old are you? 14? Who gives hand jobs anymore?
Salt in an open wound right now.
I recommend just blowing him. It's always the way to go.
after that, he'll be sure to remember me. i'll probably forget him, but that's the way it should be.
I swear to Christ if it turns out to be an intervention, i will set you on fire.
It took me 3 tries to get up the front steps. They kept me motivated by waving taco bell just out of my reach. Surprisingly effective.
This is why Helen Keller didn't drink
You'd think the neighbors would be used to grown men coming into my house drunk at 230 am.
is it weird that our first time having sex was makeup sex?
You passed out in your dogs bed and you only willingly woke up because I told there was a bottle of vodka and a snickers bar waiting for you upstairs
Nate is still in lock up because when the cop informed me he'd shit his pants in the squad car I declined to post bail.
scale of one to ten how loathsome is it to save my chocolate easter bunny to use for a topping on my edibles
Randomize
