Last night i stole a disco ball from a frat house by pretending i was pregnant.
I am currently trying to use a tide to go pen to remove the jizz from my backseat, it's not working...
I'm going to take the bottles back.. And maybe get an x-ray
the amount of blow i got, New years should last a week.
Thank God. You really dodged a small penis there.
My sheets, bed, and bathroom are covered in blood. She needed 14 stitches after a trip to ER. This is the last white girl I ever hookup with.
I'm going to have to start playing roller derby again so I can blame my sex-related bruises on that.
He always tells me he misses my clit. I feel like I should make a drinking game out of it
When you finally get laid, I shall make you a trophy out of dildos
he told me "apparently my gag reflex doesn't work so if you magically grew a penis I would deep throat you"
The real estate's complaint had the words "loud squealing at 2am" in it. Then I remembered that was me spoon feeding you guys old potato salad while you screeched like baby birds. Great night.
I just want my kids to know I fucked some really hot dudes before their father.
You're going to scar your kids
Dave is getting a lap dance to the venga boys
this is not a drill
So today was the first day i've been sober since Wednesday according to my roommate!
Note to self: dont wear a butt plug for several hours and then go gym and try and do squats
Randomize