how drunk are you?
What does that even mean anymore?
I have a feeling this won't be the last time I wake up wrapped in a shower curtain with the words "Blame Bono" spray painted on it
We talked about all of the sex positions that would better allow him to feed me grapes. I think I'm in love.
remember, YOU ARE A WINNER
my dinner was a box of cheezits simultaneously mixed in with cocoa puffs and fried rice.
you called your neighbor "slutsauce" then passed out on the stairway. not even sure why, but props to you.
Call me when you get back form court. Hopefully its not later than noon. Just remember..win or lose we still booze.
Now that there's no chance of him coming over to fuck anymore, I'm going to put up a one-person tent in my bedroom and live in it. My bed reminds me of him.
I should probably go to bed before I start to care about why I started drinking in the first place.
I spent most of the night trying to drink out of three bottles of beer at once. I don't have to be told the reasons I'm single
Dude for real though, we gotta stop getting hammered and kissing gay guys.
I told myself I'd stop after three shots of fireball. Haha HA hA.
He called me for phone sex. Do you know how hard it is to fake an orgasm, and play Candy Crush at the same time?
Wait I can't come yet Mr. Brightside is playing
ok i defs just took my shirt off in the middle of a frat party though so keep me updated
Sorry, I didn't know he was with you. The ongoing collapse of Trump has me horny as hell.
Just so you know sleeping with you is like skydiving commando in a flightsuit made of kittens
That's the most romantic thing I've ever heard
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