Is it sad that the only reason I haven't lapsed into depression is that I'm prettier than her?
Nah, we all need something.
woke up next to her writing my name in some journal. apparently she makes every guy she hooks up with sign out.
I can't get away from Pickles they're either stuck in me, in my mouth, or I'm stuck in one. fuck my whole entire life.
We should see who can shotgun a beer faster over iPhone FaceTime
test run with donkey pinata disastrous. broken glass and tequila EVERYWHERE
When you put it that way it sounds like my vagina is a parking garage to be monitored by security guards
He stopped in the middle of us having sex and asked "is today Monday?" then went even faster
Like, what's the customary waiting period to hookup with your newly single ex that you never stopped hooking up with?
It's a fucking menopause festival down here at the strike zone
I think my nap took me to another dimension
ok give me a pep talk, I want a hotdog but I'm too stoned to go make it
It's gotten to the point where waking up in my own apartment is a surprise
He asked me to come stay with him so he could "see that ass and watch Harry Potter."
I think even the taco bell employees judged me
Like every two minutes he would pull out and whipser "don't you do it, you bastard" while looking at his penis. His new name in my phone is 'penis whisperer'
Randomize
