people will do anything to get on MTV. like get pregnant.
dude i just heard a girl tell another girl 'what part of im trying to get laid tonight dont u understand?'
needless to say i wont be back home tonight
And now we have yet another reason to never travel to Detroit
I came downstairs to find I had missed the 3some on my kitchen floor but not the pukefest or ER trip after it. This is what happens when the voice of reason is otherwise occupied
Well he's not exactly single.. It's like an open relationship his wife doesn't know about
Judging by my dry clothes and wet sheets, I think I might have gotten out of bed, pissed ON it, covered it up, and passed out on top of it
You've had your dick in my mouth. I don't think there are all that many barriers in our friendship at this point.
Standing on the street at 6am in Hong Kong drinking beer. Watching all the hookers do the walk of shame from our hotel. How did I get here? Maybe all my bad choices in my life were really good ones?
Found a fruit roll up in my pocket this morning. This means my daughter has a peach blunt wrap in her lunchbox.
I woke up at 4am on the floor covered in olive oil and fire extinguisher powder but all I wanted to know was where the rest of my booze was at.
Thing I actually said tonight: "I want to achieve Ultimate level drunkenness, I'm only at Champion"
Instead of more alcohol, I decided to drink tea. Lets slow clap it out for me
My doctor actually said I was suffering from an "acute hangover" in doctor's note I asked him for....what a douche
I have experienced an excessively hairy ballsack in my mouth...and it was horrifying. I keep feeling it in my mouth now. It's like hairy ball PTSD.
I don't know what else to tell you.. just listen to some taylor swift and you'll know what to do in the morning
Randomize
