Things he has used as lube on me: olive oil, cologne, purell, spit, tanning oil, and bottled hotel lotion
He needs to save up for some actual ky before my vagina gets an allergic reaction
Fun fact: female penguins have sex in exchange for pebbles to build nests. I now know what im being for halloween
How long can I microwave pasta with a 20 percent alcohol content?
...and all my boxers are outside in the snow because????
The bed I'm sleeping in has a headboard only handcuffs could love. I'm gonna pick up a local dude and wreck that.
Passed out mid cig in bed last night. Thank you cough for allowing me legal prescription hydrocodone.
I just replaced the poop spray with an air horn... Now we wait!
It is completely possible to eat beef jerky sexually.
Of all the things that can be stripped of me i'll be damned if it's my vanity
My night was too much. My morning is even more. Help. I need to teleport the fuck out of here.
I was a bouncer for about 90 seconds until the real bouncers figured out that I was doing their job
Dude, you GARGLED with bleu cheese last night!
I JUST BROKE A NAIL MASTURBATING. WTF I could even enjoy my orgasm bc now I'm gonna have to spend $50 on my nails.
Um that's okay I got up on the table at IHOP and terrorized the entire restaurant for a phone charger after I stole the whip cream from the kitchen and started eating it out the can
You can help me! We'll make an occasion of it. Have some rum, make some smores, condemn the email system to the pits of hell...
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