Maybe if you date her you can take a dump on her
you tried to arm wrestle for the title of "mom's favorite son"
Well fuck that. I mean, I made out with my cousin once. Who gives a fuck.
I am currently listening to someone take a shit. I hate the hole in the ceiling.
Def regretting not writing "will blow for extra credit" on my last final
Currently in the bathroom stall of a gay bar in new haven giving myself an anti throw up pep talk
I'm done being subtle here. MOVE INTO MY EXTRA BEDROOM SO WE CAN FUCK WHENEVER AND NOT HAVE TO WORRY ABOUT FINDING PEOPLE TO HAVE CASUAL SEX WITH.
you live like 200 miles from me and I have two years of school left
goddamnit stop pointing out all the flaws in my plan
Fell asleep naked on the recliner spooning with my organic chemistry book. The fact that I made it through four years of college is proof that the education system is fucked.
there was so much lube in my brother's closet...
Good news: you're over the drunk crying life phase. Bad news: now you're handy and violent. You were groping me from behind in front of the guy you like, then you put me in a headlock and swept the leg.
I think I just pulled an onion peel off my boob from sleeping on their kitchen floor
Sometimes I think he has a hidden camera in my vagina so he knows what I'm doing and saying at all times...
You had sex with him AND his man bun. Like not just him but also the bun.
Maybe why that's why I'm perpetually single... I can't find a guy with bigger balls than mine.
I’m going to hump him until his teeth hurt and then I’m going to have my way with him
Randomize
