I just woke up in bed next to my teacher. Does that mean I'm passing now?
My dermatologist just asked me, "what happened here?" referring to the bruising on my nipples. I told her I walked into a door. Thanks for that awkward moment.
I'm currently witnessing my drunk neighbor attempting to fold laundry on his front lawn. I think he's trying to spell out HELP.
Kill yourself wednesday started off with a bang, and im pretty sure im still drunk from tequila tuesday.
i have a wrist watched drawn on my wrist that it says shot o clock
Party at my house. Beach themed. Clothing optional.
Wouldn't that make it "Nude Beach Themed?"
It's four o'clock and my 60yo aunt's tits have already made an appearance and there is a dildo traveling around the room periodically assaulting family members. Strangely I am thankful.
I'm sick of being the only unemployed member of the group. Doing things alone isn't partying. Its sad.
I CAN'T DO THIS MUCH FABULOUS BEFORE LUNCHTIME
No we are not "bros" because I came out of my moms vagina& you went in there.
An we can hold bottles of vodka in our hands singing yo ho a pirates life for me
I woke up with the gnarliest cold/hangover combo
Thats what u get when u have butt ass naked rooftop sex at night in december
Worth it.
I was so high I could TASTE the fillings in my teeth
So I had this brilliant idea that I would sleep in all sorts of sweatpants and sweatshirts... Apparently I thought I could "sweat" off the drunk in my sleep and that it would make me feel better when I woke up
I would really like it if you guys got out of my bush
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