The cop didn't care that I was peeing on the wall of my dorm building... All he said was, "come on, it's 9am."
I wish I could test you the smell I just had to experience. It smelled like this lady was microwaving squirrel rectum.
Billy Mays is dead, Vince Schlomi is in jail, who's going to sell me useful gadgets at ridiculously low prices now?!
my iphone just auto-corrected drink to drnknghhhg...
you washed your face with toilet water last night.. i tried to stop you but you wouldn't have it.
I woke up, not remembering how or when or why i was even there and looked over to find Steph spooning with an adult black man.
Practice the "sorry I may have given you herpes" conversation with me before I call him and break the news
I'm terrified to sleep next to her. Of course the sex will be fuckng awesome.
I just made bacon chili cheese fries for dinner...someday my kids are going to realize I'm a stoner & this will all make sense
Your tequila is gone. I suggest you bring more home before you go out for dinner. Money is taped to mailbox.
It took me 6months to figure out that he only had one testicle.
Fuckers are stealing our internet and making my porn stream slowly so I changed the password for VanceRefrigeration to RyansaCunt. No spaces but capitalization.
you regret 100% of the tequila shots you do take. thats what gretzky meant to say
All I know is that at 4 am I was walking down the street in my bra and his shorts and Im pretty sure I passed my grandma on her morning walk.
I looked into her soul, didn't I?
You eye-fucked her soul.
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