you passed out when you kept trying to hold your breath during the underwater scenes of 2012
Vodka and Eggs at 9:30AM = thank you, America.
She just said she wanted to get freaky and left the room. I'm almost certain I just heard the microwave.
Pretty sure I just became the first person ever to use the word "boner" in a wedding card...
Some great men died of syphilis. I accept your compliment.
I hope the walls stop moving before my manager notices that i'm still drunk.
the only consolation to the fact that i puked in public today was that i did it down a storm drain... so at least i am a responsible public puker
She gave such good road head it was turned into side-of-the-road head for everyone's safety
I was told my cock was a religious experience.
A 74 year old man offered to let me sleep on his pull out couch last night.
She was from Wisconsin, she had great boobs... I mean... It's a dairy state....
We'll never be able to grow apart now. You can't look at a stranger & say "Yea I ate goldfish crackers off his dick." & just be casual about that.
I think it was a low point but honestly at this point I've had so many that my life is like a valley
Because cocaine and lesbian hookups on a Tuesday cannot be the new normal
Helped a guy at work today that did nothing but stare at my chest....safe to say the Girls were looking G.O.O.D. today.
Randomize
