the number of months ive had a girlfriend in my life divided by the number of blowjobs ive gotten is extremely depressing...
some guy just got out of his chair quietly. Laid down on the floor and is now asleep in between rows in my lecture hall. He must have had a rough night.
you're out of your mind
you look like daphne blake and he looks like fozzie bear
it's like he rubbed a lamp and wished you into existence
Admitting I go to nursing school is my subtle way of saying, yes, I know every muscle in your penis and how to effectively use them.
she told me to hold the wheel while she hung out the sunroof and cursed the old lady behind us out.
They really brought out their best strippers for vday weekend
Somehow it went from suicide to pierced nipples. I think we're good.
She was grinding on him and then she was eating a Big Mac. Who the hell brings a Big Mac to the club?
Treating myself to outback while reading the entire manual that comes with my birth control in public. Is this what single has come to?
She's chasing her own tail and is afraid of her own feet. My stoner cat, ladies and gentlemen.
Just got a Lifeproof case for Christmas so hold on and tell me how my shower nudes look
You know you're good at multi-tasking if you can get a lap dance from someone while simultaneously eating a burrito.
Great, now I'm picturing myself as a fucking garden gnome
I'm sorry for peeing on you last night. Will cookies make up for it?
Gov of Georgia is going to allow massage therapists to return to work.
Gives a new meaning to 'Happy Endings'.
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