I have way too many pictures of poop on my phone
Bonnaroo quote of the day: "why the fuck am i pregnant?!?!" - exclaimed loudly by random hippie.
I just found a beer bottle in my xmas tree while disassembling it. God, I'm going to miss the holidays.
Yes someone did see you carrying a beer bong on the side of coastal highway
Ssssssssssshhhhhhhhhhhiiiiiiii!iiiiiiiiiitttttttttttttttssssssssssssshhhhhhhhooooooooowwwwwww. Letters for emphaSSIIISISEEEE!
You BETTER NOT STEAL MY MOTHERFUCKING SQUIRREL
I punched some guy in the face for being an asshole then later I went to say sorry and give him a hug and he started making out with me. How was your new years?
Holy fucking shit the worst thing for a hangover ever--A FUCKING BOLLYWOOD MOVIE BLARING IN CLASS
New guy at the liquor store was inexplicably fascinated by our huge jug of williams. First he said what are you gonna mix THAT with? and looked confused when I said air.
I decided it might be a good time to stop when he requested I "bring that pussy over here"
Thanksgiving day drinking ended up with me in a shopping cart screaming where are the bitches and condoms. I'd say it went well.
I have got to stop telling people I was almost a prositute every time I drink
He was gone for 5 minutes, opened the car door and said, "Don't eat my shit." and dropped Chipotle on the passenger seat. He was gone for another 10 minutes and came back with Coldstone. That stoned.
its a recording of you guys having sex?!
its actually 30 minutes of him begging and then 2 minutes of sex.
He made me spaghetti, gave me wine and I fucked him on the floor, Is that a fair trade of services to you?
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