Where did you get a picture of my penis
it will be a sad day when drinking racks of keystone isnt socially acceptable anymore
I was so high last night. I wrote a poem about my salt shaker
no guy is ever going to take you seriously as a potential marriage prospect unless you learn to swallow
obviously my correlation between being a pro surfer and being extremely good in bed was 100% wrong.
how bad would it be if i made his twitter my home page?
Oh we're fine. I made her a "sorry I peed on you" omelet.
Bloody Mary Monday just took a turn for the worst... Just had a heart to heart talk with the cat about it's obsession with chewing on cardboard.... Time for a nap.
She clicked her fingers, said "here boy!", and pointed at her vagina.
I look like shit btw. Like the joker from Batman.
I'm not sure how that's possible unless you put on face paint. Which I would respect.
if i ever wake up in the morning and don't feel a boner in my asscrack then this relationship is over
He didn't call me beautiful but he came in less than five minutes so same thing, right?
I can now recognize that when my wine bottle reaches a certain point, I probably shouldn't tweet, text or call anyone. RESPONSIBILITY
i can believe you didnt get any, i was wing-girling the shit out of him
all you did was repeatedly scream GET IT IN
he's like crack. I can't be in the same room with him while drunk and not do him.
Randomize
