Yea, forget your mom. She will be home after her one night stand.
just caught my little brother jacking off the family pet
so my doctor just swabbed my throat, and he looked up in suprise when i had no gag reflex. yea, he just judged me.
The drunken tricycle race really added some class to the Tour de Franzia. Until everyone wiped out and started puking.
I passed out on the floor of a truck stop. Drinking binge 2011 is now over.
Apologies for hacking your facebook and posting that picture of you passed out hooked up to the IV...but we were sat with you on the ER floor for 3 hours, it got boring
Since he's sober and out of jail, he acts like we are the worst people on Earth. Fuck him, the only acceptable time in life to do coke is the early twenties. He won't take that from us.
I'm not sure if I should be proud of you for having morals or disappointed in you for letting your sex life get this sad.
Yea we just broke up
so do we start sexting now or later?
I was wondering why he was in my phone as "Cat Guy", he seemed pretty normal. Then when we woke up he was wearing a shirt with a picture of his cat on it. The name stays.
So my flight takes off at 8am. Does this mean I need to break my airport bar pre-flight ritual?
Aren't you the one who taught me that airports are the judgement-free drinking zone?
I'm just gonna put on a documentary and throw up
Hmm, peanut butter and Xanax. Next Ben and Jerry's flavor.
He made me chicken tenders and margaritas in preparation for me to take a pregnancy test at his place later tonight. Like...seriously.
His penis is average but his stamina is amazing!!! I didn’t know I had that many orgasms in my body!!!!
Randomize
