I just bedazzled my weight watchers points calculator. You can tell I'm gay.
Truth be told I was googling "why is my left calf bigger than my right calf", porn would've been a better excuse for a virus.
you're my knight in shining pee-resistant armor
There appears to be a lake on my nightstand. As usual, I should not be considered a suspect. Together, we will find out who did this.
i feel like the 7 eleven by your house knows our deepest, darkest secrets
You. Me. A bottle of Vodka. The wilderness.
I said we should get a taxi and you were waving down cars, three of which were cops and one of them slowed down and shook his head then kept driving
He didn't think we needed a taxi
She just spat tequila at me... Like a fountain... A broken fountain
Good news: I actually puked in my bathroom, the vomit from the living room was actually from someone else.
That's horrible but hilarious
I'm going to miss college.
I've got the dick your vagina needs, but not the one it deserves right now.
If you're ever desperate for a guy's #, ask him to call your lost cell phone so you can find it. Some genius used that on me last night. FML
We've been staking out a taco bell for 2 hours trying to find last night's one night stand
Isis wins if we don't have the loudest, kinkiest sex in every part of my house tomorrow
Haha we both slept with guys named Brad born on may 1st. This is a proud day for sisters.
He listens to me complain and in return I send him naked pictures. It's a win win situation
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