I just threw up on my dentist
And Anthony pissed on himself at the strip club
Turns out you can't chew it over with twix in real life
Dude I've never seen anyone get slapped that hard
Do you think most people who work at an airport Chili's can pin point where their lives went wrong?
i think it was just a coincidence but she literally vomited the second she saw my penis.
If I remember who won the superbowl tomorrow morning.. I think I'm just going to quit drinking. There really won't be a point anymore
It feels kinda weird thanking you for sucking my dick, but I just don't know what else to do right now
230 lb girl across the train from me is giving a dude in a kilt a handjob while he sits in her lap
Oh and apparently something happened that was related to "THIS IS SPARTA" but no one will tell me what I did.
So I'm going to blame my boobs hurting on that.
Antibacterial soap and prayers does not for spermicide make
You don't marry someone you don't want to fuck senseless this is 2014 dammit
I shaved an Xmas tree into my junk.... I placed your present underneath.
just like fucking own it. stare that cop in the eye and just keep masturbating "yeah motherfucker Im high as shit and this feels great"
MY BUTT IS BIG ENOUGH FOR AN ANACONDA AND HE DOESNT GET TO ENJOY IT TOUGH SHIT
Currently sifting through all the dick pics and nudes for a picture of my dad and I to post on social media for Father's Day...
Randomize
