uhhh i just had a guy tell me he's seen more jam bands and done more drugs than i could err imagine. what a turn on.
weddingsv make me drug and hornr
Dude why does my asshole itch so bad?
I'll teach you how to wipe better
The chick I went home with last night had a happy trail
i have a food baby... i think its a boy...
he met me at the airport with a welcome home sign with a grilled cheese, PBR and a blow job on it. i missed america.
There's two girls at the bar sniffing each others boobs.
You skyped me last night to show me the girl passed out on your bed.
guy next to me on the train just pulled out two bottles of gin and a block of cheddar. is slowly making his way through all of them.
I flashed the bar tender last night. Apparently I wanted a whiskey to go and that was the golden ticket. This is why I never come home
This is it. This is the birthday cake that gets me laid.
My puke in the shower morning just turned into a puke in the restroom at work afternoon. I'm the human embodiment of dumpster fire.
Chicks dig it when you smell like bong water and frebreeze.
I'm gonna go take a shower so I can cleanly change into my drinking underwear.
He made a group chat with him, his wife, & I. Is this really life!??
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