my brother is so whacked out on percocet from hurting his legs that he started crying because his belly button was so cute
fuck yea just found my unicorn costume from when i was 8... still fits
he got his own cum in his own eye. TWICE. how do you make that mistake again?
I feel so grown up. I just went to home depot to buy actual home improvement supplies instead of stuff to make a bong with.
i mean, some people chug beer and some people chug hard liquor. some people have good ideas and some people have bad ideas. it's all about perspective.
She's cheated on every boyfriend she's ever had with the same guy. She's like a slutty yo-yo.
I could've eaten a live cat and wouldn't remember it today. That level of drunk.
I only made out with him because he cured my hiccups
Anything that comes outta your cooch is bound to be breathtaking
That could use a little rephrasing
Vaguely remember? You pushed George and two other fellas out the way to hug me, screamed gandalf before chugging your beer and smashing the bottle on the floor. I lolled.
Sometimes I actually rage on Tuesday, come back, and do homework drunk and pull an all nighter.
Reminder: You could have had sex with me while wearing a tiara.
I used his number to look up his customer information at work. He's no longer saved as Magic Penis in my phone.
I forgot wine drunk hurts
I'd still fuck that
You'd fuck a dead moose
Quite possible
Randomize
