he wouldn't shut up and let me sleep
yeah i got into a fight with my man last night
why can't men just shut up and put out?
So we were sitting in his back seat and he asked me if I practiced giving head. I mean really, who asks that?
Things he has used as lube on me: olive oil, cologne, purell, spit, tanning oil, and bottled hotel lotion
He needs to save up for some actual ky before my vagina gets an allergic reaction
And don't be too jealous. Drinking alone watching a chick flick and masturbating isn't nearly as glamorous as it sounds
we decided to do a scavenge hunt for ourself for when we walked back to our apartments. We hid taco bell behind some bushes. I think they are still good.
We invented "Diesel Bombs." They're supposed to be a bomb, but they come in a 20+ oz. glass and have a blackout record of 6 wins and 0 losses. Undoubtedly going to be the next Muhammed Ali of the drinking world.
We almost forgot to tip the maids, so we left the rest of the gin, some tonic water and a lime. They earned it
After a long night of drunk sexting I have to the ninja roll at the front door to see who showed up.
I climbed out a window to pee last night because i thought i was locked in the room... Then crawled back in and went to bed. The poor neighbors.
I'm so poor. I just wiped my ass with cocktail napkins... That I stole from the neighbors... When I was over there stealing Cheetos.
I woke up like how did I get here this blanket is nice but it was just the curtain
See I would make a great girlfriend. My surprises are sex and burritos. What else do guys want
Operation terrify all men while simultaneously make them fall in love with me is going quite swimmingly so far
Babe, holding my hair while i blow you doesn't count as being romantic
dont ever go to laser tag drunk. you will be judged.
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