dude. i was so high. i watched shrek in russian.
new low: just stole a ciggarette from a bum sleeping on the side of the street.
ohh what kind?
This is how scared I get when I ride roller coasters. And how scared I was when I had to poop when I had herpes.
he needs to stop telling all his friends what my queefs sound like. its getting awkward to be around people who can quote my vagina.
How was dinner with ur grandparents?
I was really blazed and scared they'd catch me, so when they asked about my day I was concentrating really hard on not saying smoking that instead I honestly said "Well, I had sex on your pool table, Nana."
there is a baby dancing on the table amidst the smoke of multiple cigarettes. i want to trade lives with that baby.
All I could think about when I saw her was that she could be the mother of my future first round draft picks
I don't think we had sex because when I woke up he was still wearing the chicken suit.
I just took a shot out of my supervisors unzipped jeans. Our staff parties are getting a little too personal
that's the second time I've made out with him and woken up with my pants stuffed with PBRs I am convinced he's magic
You don't marry someone you don't want to fuck senseless this is 2014 dammit
Stay positive! You think people like sad vaginas? NO! You'll get some!
Did u guys seriously make a betting pool on when im going to get pregnant???
Yep, wanna bid?
Someone's gotta tell him drunk sex comes before dating
hey i'm sure you are probably asleep bc you suck and think sleep is necessary to live or something?
Randomize
