My feet smell like cheese. Makes me hungry.
anal on a first date. tsk tsk.
I just realized that he was my first random hookup that didnt cause a massive breakup or divorce. Im starting to grow up
From scraping the remnants from a coke bag at a lingerie party to meeting with an 80 year old man to discuss civil rights all in under 12 hours bizarrely feels like the epitome of my life
there is no excuse for drinking mascato in your room alone while listening to one-hit wonders from the 90s
It would be like a dance party with a dick inside you. I think that's what Ke$ha wants for the world.
Cute boy and deffffff wearing a HS shirt. I am getting too old to be inaccurate.
I think the saddest part about my sex life is that most of it is pity sex.
It's def pee. WHY DO I PEE ON THINGS WHEN I DRINK TEQUILA
I had to break it to her that she was not in fact behind the bushes when she peed on the church last night
My New Years resolution is actually to be MORE petty
Hey I need you to run the morning meeting, for reasons I can explain when I find out where I left my car
Finally got with the virgin.
Yeah? Howd that go?
As soon as I got it all the way in, I looked deep into her eyes and said "your soul is mine" in the deepest voice I could make. She was not amused.
He told his wife he was too old to pretend to be straight. She tried to argue. He walked two tables over and was like this is my highschool sweetheart and he's an excellent fuck, we're running away together. It was epic.
I just learned that the grill marks on a Burger King burger patty are actually previously burnt on there with a radioactive spray-on liquid and McDonald's french fries are actually 5% potato.
Randomize
