What did we do last night that was yellow?
babies were throwing up all over the place
Changing from sweatpants to jeans at 3 in the afternoon makes the day seem so much more productive than it actually was.
Excuse me by sucking dick i am fighting crime. Just think of all the prostitues going out of business and getting real jobs.
I kinda remember trying to staple rolls of toilet paper to make a pillow, but it's blank after that.
Just saw the guy with the plastic bag on his head riding his bike again...
Just so you know, you're MY booty call. Feel degraded.
I'm dressed like a deranged cupcake. Let's get fucked up.
The sigh of relief when u realize none of your drunk texts will result in permanent damage
If you were awake I would probably ride my bike over, fuck you like a god, leave you in the wonders of life, and bike home
Anxiously awaiting my period drinking Hershey's syrup from the bottle. Don't judge me
Did copperhead road at the bar. All the girl next to me did was stare at my glorious bouncing tits. CAN I FUCKING HELP YOU?? I worked hard for these tits.
at any given day I am at least 60% invested in my work. today I am staggered around 3.5%
whenever dudes said you had nice tits you'd scream at them "This double push-up bra is full of deceit and lies!"
Legit hope my Trump humping Brother dies of this shit so I can stop pretending to still love him.
Randomize
