I would wrestle an alligator for a bj right now
Singing into hair straightener during spice girls....sooo dangerous
THERE ARE SO MANY GREAT DICKS IN THE WORLD. HOW DID I NOT DISCOVER THIS SOONER!?
I ended up on the roof were calling it a tie
thanks for leaving the note with the doctor's recommendations for my lip, they are dissolvable stitches right?
i love that feeling when you wake up and have no idea how you got back to your dorm or why you have mac and cheese on your cheeks and eyelashes in your mouth
We were talking about threesomes when she went to say who she would have as her third. She did not get to finish her sentence because her bf already said my name.My sheer presence destroys relationships.
it's graduation. he's gonna get congratulations slash emotional i cant believe youre leaving me sex.
I'm a male taking pregnancy tests with every girl at the party. i have no regrets
I just took what could be the most awkward shit in my life, which considering my definition of awkward and my experiences shitting, is pretty fucking awkward.
...
I was sitting there doing my business and the guy in the stall next to me banged on the stall and asked me how to spell picnic because he wasn't sure.
So I'm guessing that puking on a camper is a straight path to instant termination?
I just sneezed and margarita mix and ash came out of my nose. I love jersey
Instead of asking him how many women he's slept with I just got straight to the point and asked how many Plan B pills he's purchased
I'm going to target high, just in case I ask you where my paycheck went later
I'll text you tomorrow when I'm not in someone's torture cave if I don't by noon call for help.
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