I'm too hungover for some lady to talk to me about potatoes
so last night after we hooked up i got my period and woke up this morning with a blood stain on his bed and not only was it huge but i had put my jeans back on before bed so i took the walk of shame with period stained pants
Every now and then I'll talk to a creeper for an extended amount of time. Randy, for instance, funded our entire night of horrible decisions.
I cut you off after you tried to do a shot out of a neti pot, down your nose.
explains the nose bleeds.
Just turned rock'em sock'em robots with my little cousin into a drinking game. Im drinking bourbon hes drinking hot chocolate.
My roommate has every episode of Full House. I'm going to fail my midterm tomorrow.
This whole foot fetish thing is getting out of control. He would rather hold my feet than me after we fuck.
She took a break from repeating "my face is still buzzing!" to say that the phantom of the opera could be here
Just saw a homeless man taking a shower in someone's sprinkler system....
Dude, I checked into a cathedral... I thought it was a joke, until I found a candle and a whole bunch of coins in my purse
Had a crazy moment last night. Had to get up, run to bathroom, pop 3 Xanax, sit on bathroom floor and rock myself in fetal position. Not my best moment.
I barely trust you with my tinder, why would I let you take the staples out of my head?!
Have you ever wondered if we are just made up characters in someone's head? You'll have to forgive me right now I think I have 7 thumbs
Maybe life is about finding the person you DO want to cuddle with after they rail you like a porn star
I'm drunk and don't know where I am. There's a giant metal penguin if that helps.
Randomize
