I found the TV remote. It was in the washing machine along with the chicken wings you kept complaining to Domino's about that they 'never delivered'
I just texted him to come over because I want to see if his hand fits the handprint bruise on my ass.....I feel like the cinderella of S&M
just saw 2 fat kids fight for the last slice of pizza. Litteraly fight. God Bless America
He googled "how long will i be drunk" and just started crying
Turns out shot glasses hold the perfect serving of sour patch kids....I still fail to see how not having any real glasses is an issue
Next time when I try to seductively eat onion rings while drunk remind me of tonight.
He's so young, I keep getting a mental image of him in footie pajamas. It's cute but it's wrong. Or is it?
You found me in the back room alone eating someone else's whole birthday cake with my hands then asked me if you could join.
I should make a collage of all the pictures of me caught doing slutty things
I am taking a candle lit bath, blasting some tupac and smoking a fat bowl. This is how every night should end. Did you go take a piss in his car yet?
5% want to drink juice and feel better, 95% just want to touch your butt
I made it to work. Still drunk. Definitely pregnant.
My disney ticket is covered in lube, do you think they will accept it?
im about to bake her parents a "thank you for making such beautiful babies, ive had sex with all 5 of them" cake
Blunts beyotch
What? Joints? Blunts?
I'll refer you to my previous text: "Blunts beyotch"
Randomize
