yeah for some reason your penis didn't fit in my mouth the other day
Idk what else to talk about besides you paying for half of my vaginaplasty.
Got a blowie from her in the cab on the way home. Made awkward eye contact with the cabbie who said, and I quote "Keep the mess in her mouth bro", I did so only out of respect
There is no way that a naked man in your kitchen can be explained-away as a "misunderstanding."
Now you know for the next time you go in the basement to wear a helmet
They told you that you couldn't fit in the dryer. Man, did they eat their words. You did brake the door though.
He pointed at me, then leaned in and said "shes the best at blow jobs" then chris fist pumped him and said "dude, I know"
There is a doctor sitting next to me at lunch talking about the engorged scrotum surgery he did this morning and I am about to lose my professional grown adult facade.
I woke up to my bra draped over his lamp and a huge bump on my head. apparently, I face planted while having sex in the shower..
also I have no idea whose underpants I'm wearing right now but they're super comfy and I'm not giving them back ever
Only you would consider your best friend fucking your boyfriend to be a sign of everlasting friendship
MY LIFE IS A TRAINWRECK THATS ON FIRE BUT SOMEHOW STILL MOVING, I HAVE THE RIGHT TO SCREAM OUTSIDE AT 2AM
I have wine with a bendy straw bitches I can do fucking anything
I might be getting fired on this week so the only option i see for tonight is to get smashed and have an orgy. actually this idea might explain why i'm not an ideal employee.
The streets are paved with hand jobs
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