You found a girl to hook up with at a gay bar?
No. His name was Paco. I didn't get it by choice. I never had a hickey before.
how convenient is it that the kid i'm fucking lives right next to planned parenthood?
85% positive I just found a hair of a certain variety wayyy in the back of my mouth between two teeth while flossing.
Dude's from Puerto Rico. Majoring in Spanish is like us majoring in drinking with a minor in watching Forgetting Sarah Marshall.
Just found out I called my mom at six in the morning to ask where the bong was. I win.
I bought him bourbon as a thank you for his apology. What is wrong with me?
Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face.
I'm ordering a French maid costume for my dog too. It's like a couples costume, except for losers with dogs.
in the middle of getting head my cat meowed. she looked up , meowed back, and then continued giving me head.
Nothing is working I'm going to die alone and on hold with a State Farm representative
Things you Cant unsee: When your smartphone syncs to your dads laptop and downloads photos...including his porn stash.
The George Foreman grill is melted. I don't know what other problems could arise.
And tan into my neighbor in the elevator. She was going to the gym. I was covered in mascara and dog hair eating a hash brown
In an unrelated matter, im gonna eat you out so much later.
Hired a new intern today and we have something in common. I blew her boyfriend in high school. Do you think she knows?
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