There are just some things I refuse to put in my mouth.
i just thanked the atm machine for giving me cash
just got my girl scout cookies. wanna get high?
how do I tell the students with a crush on me, that yes, I am open to receiving blowjobs in exchange for grades?
For the love of God you used a 40 foot extension cord to bungee jump out the off the 2 nd floor
Be still, my beating vagina.
About to trim my pubes so if you decide to walk in, viewer discretion is advised.
I don’t know what's weirder; the fact that I weigh more with an erection..or the fact that I actually weighed myself with an erection...
I don't want to tell anyone! People who sleep with senators either end up in porn or guantanamo
I say go for the trifecta and maybe you'll get a medal or something. Or a baby. That's like the same thing right?
no. i discovered the *exact* amount of drugs i need to do to understand calculus.
Vodka tonic time....wish me luck!
Go for it my man. I'm saving my shit show night for tomorrow. Gonna make it a big one just to let the entire bar know why I'm single
Dude true life I died at the derby...I lost everyone I knew, went down a bourbon and mud slip and slide, lost my hat, fell off the roof of a porta potty, sprained my ankle and knee and then got arrested.
No. Way more drunk than the night I put a snowball in my purse "for later" and woke up to find everything soaking the next day.
But less drunk than the day that Pete took four of your birth control pills thinking they were Advil, right?
U sent me lyrics to wind beneath my wings
My liver misses your liver
Randomize
