you screamed 'he won't go on a date with me, but he gave me a free junior chicken'
well imagine, me dating the manager equals free junior chickens for everyone
He tried to eat me out in the bath... I said it was a bad idea, but he said it was good snorkelling practice for vaca.
What the fuck am I going to do with a pinata full of tampons?
Just heard one of my friends say, "if you're trying to take advantage of me I really dont care. I just want this beer." ..
Having him as a wingman is like telling the girl you already have aids
honestly, i'm just crying in the kitchen naked and eating salsa
I opened up my wallet and it was filled with puke.
Of course drinkings involved. They don't call it alcoholism because we eat too many skittles.
U know that drunk state, where at 930 the next morning your sitting in a bath in ur bathing suit trying to sober up...yeah. That's where i am..
My liver and my bank account can't afford another all nighter. Help.
My favorite thing about your netflix account "suggestions for you" section: Russias Toughest Prisons is followed immediately by Strange Sex
she just kept straddling the railing to the stairs and shouting "come on Seabiscuit, lets win this for America."
He brought me another shot of rum, ice and my underwear when I woke up.
What a gentleman.
I KNOW, right?!
I'm starting to notice a direct correlation between blackouts and broken bones...
Dude, she stopped mid blow job to ask the cat's name. ADHD might be a deal breaker after all.
Randomize
