I feel like I'm in dance class right now
Never drink rum straight from the bottle, even if people say it'll make you a pirate. It won't: it'll make you a bumbling shitfaced idiot who just drank rum straight from the bottle.
we've been dating more than a month and i just realized there's no hair on his chest..
you've had sex with him. you must've seen him naked.
nah, i feel like naked sex would be getting too serious for us..
There is nothing more demoralizing than exchanging 150 dollar Christmas gifts with a girl your not sleeping with
he has decreed that i can sleep with anyone who has the same name as him. line up all the toms
I said we should get a taxi and you were waving down cars, three of which were cops and one of them slowed down and shook his head then kept driving
He didn't think we needed a taxi
Which one of you fuckers thought itd be funny to see if the kitchen table can float.
I need a straight guy to pretend to be my boyfriend for 30 minutes so that I can pull off an act of petty vengeance. Interested?
You'd be proud! I didn't lose my id this time... It got confiscated
I'm not taking advice from anyone I've seen passed out naked at noon on the hood of a strangers car. Meaning you.
I'm so high that hamburger just went up my nose. Mustard BURNS
The next time you scream bombs away when you are inside me will be the last time you are inside me
I woke up with an empty beer bottle in my slipper and a note that said "it just wants to be warm"
I did a line off of, and then danced on top of a table older than this country.
Harvard is great.
So I took a screenshot of my boarding pass and the TSA agent somehow swiped it to the next photo. Yep...TSA saw my dick before I even went through the body scanner.
Randomize
